It is one of those days which burn all desire to write about a particular subject. Instead I will babble on; the anguish of existing has trapped the last few days of my whereabouts. I do not see nausea or anguish as objectively mine, but a portal of where I am in that space in time.
Are the lights closed in a empty house and nobody is there to comfort the moments of unknown that shake my anxiety from sleep… if so, the symptoms of existing – the only appropriations that tell us we exist will come into play.
Maybe, I am at a party and talking to a bunch of women; maybe I take one home… Do we have sex: We do, let’s suppose. Is there anguish there, hindering the experience ? I doubt it… Yes, I cannot be too sure about it, sometimes doubt fails us.
Anyway. Something half-decent happened to me today. Let me begin from the beginning – Lenin use to say when referring to where to begin in revolution and history.
A few weeks back, I saw a Facebook friend for the first time. We had known each-other for a few months.
London still contains the old solidarity stream of ol’ times – welfare state notions; she put her daughter into a creche which was attached to a Christian charity that serves food, services – often for free – it’s always more emotional when the solidarity is religious or mystical, a motherly comfort comes along with it, as opposed to the more atheistic forms solidarity and revolution take – as an atheist myself, I always feel close to the good people of religion… That is another topic.
We went into this big lunch hall, located near Westerminister, as I said, part of the Christian charity group. It was bright, light and coloured in the colours of a bright late spring sky: Blue and white. “Do they serve vegetarian,” I said, my voice low, just above decimals that normal human may observe in that environment.
“sure, they have choices,” said Christina, my Facebook and by now physical friend.
“It is important to put certain good things in your body, I know. I have months when I eat health’ but then i just binge”.
“Ha ! I do too,’ I said.
More precisely, we were referring to being vegan or vegetarian…
A blonde haired young lady stood behind the counter full of English breakfast fry-ups. She wiped her sweaty fore-head, sighed: “May I help you.”
Following a deep breath, I said, “Sure, may I have the cheese baguette and a green tea, please”.
Christina paid for it: “You travelled all this way, let me pay.”
We did not wait too long for the orders. Her and I strolled across 30 – 40 steps to the better tables of the canteen. And began eating, speaking.
Christina is a person that you can learn a lot from: A mother, a wife and a strong, working woman, holding the ideals strong in an environment that one finds intimidating – the middle-class, the maintainer class, the lawyers, doctors, the liberal classes with a job to – which they do well relatively – hold down the rules of the masters. Anyway… Another subject, again.
Time was ticking fast, and a busy woman cannot stay that long, especially with a child that is about leave creche.
After an hour or so, I found myself with Christina approaching the rear end of the creche. She spoke of her admiration for a Muslim scholar she had interviewed earlier that week. I was all ears, really was; but the door opened…
She sat across right opposite the door – time came to a close. You know they say mushrooms stop time, I think that was my first experience with mushrooms. She was so beautiful; blonde hair, white pale skin and blue eyes that are not too flashy, but stare appropriately. I know she noticed me… Not saying she found me attractive or was attracted to me but I was noticeable to her.
She pulled her hair back a little and proceeded to speak to Christina. She was tall and thin… Fuck it. I did not care. Something about her said something else, a little more pleasing and a little more destined; she was, I thought, the best thing I have ever concequenced. The next thought was never to “hit on her”. She probably needs a guy that is at least relatively adjusted. And who am I ? Did not even have a job, stuffed with pills just to survive the day. Well, I am a journalist now… Anyway… I had to get into contact with her.
Bothering Christina for over a month, she finally became Facebook friends with this gem.
My first message to her: “I am intriqued by you. I should say it like this: You are aesthetically beautiful, no doubt, but there is something beyond the aesthetic I ‘felt’ from you – the way you were, the way you spoke ect. I could be wrong, naturally, and only saw you just over a minute and a little. Nevertheless, I am decent at figuring certain decent people out when I first meet them. I felt some kind of connection to you – it seems as though you have some calmness that is the result of some chaos. I felt that you have awareness of the world, that it is not positive and does not need to be for you to love it.”
I could not tell her that she made me feel as though I was existing, not as an anxiety, but as a new formula… I do not know what it is but I do not dare say the word people of use before “…. at first sight”.
This portal must close – I seldom need a new anguish.
People I admire (her not included): Kristian (S*rb), Christina, Ares, Panagiotis ❤ and Tony (My mummy) – And best friends: Burak and Fatih. And her… She is leaving for Sweden in four days, we cannot be friends.