OCD

I am hungry. A nice vegan sausage, tomato and lettuce sandwich will do good. I consumed a vegan sausage yesterday; could it be un-healthy to do so today? Fiddling with my hair in distress… I do not posses the funds to buy healthy, organic veggies – for how will I damage my body… Anyway, the tomatoes need cutting…

I take the white cutting board, but my mother uses it to cut meat with one of these; which one is it… Does it make me non-vegan to cut tomatoes on here ? Damn, it is un-healthy to cut tomatoes on this board. I got to cut perfect tomato circles… I do not want one whole tomato, but what am I to do with the rest ? it may rot in the fridge… I should just eat it. Now images of stabbing myself, bleeding my vains dry with this knife are occupying my brain. My mother comes into make coffee. Now I am getting thoughts of hurting her with the knife. Omg, am I a violent person, a psychopath ? Why did I just think that.

She begins scolding me for spending too much time in kitchen. The images and thoughts of hurting her come again… omg, am I bad person who will give in and do it some day… Omg, I had this thought when she was scolding me… am I actually the type to do some thing like that… but I had such thoughts when she was not shouting at me…

Agh, it is nice to finally be alone and be full. I did not go for my walk yet, shall I go now. No, it is too early still. but what if I never go and put on calories ? damn, I have been doing so well this week – I really would not enjoy fucking it up. Am I just being finicky about food or do I really care for animals. I must do; I do not even kill insects. Damn, but I use to eat meat, why did I change now ? Was it for my own health or am I actually a good person. I am a selfish person that deserves no veneration. Omg, I am a bad, selfish, crazy person, just like a psychopath. Good lord, am I going to be psychotic or violent some day ? I have to get out of this house and walk around. but my heart is pounding hard… I could be having arrhythmia and the moving will make it more dangerous.

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